First day.

Today, I began training for an Ironman Triathlon.

I do my best work when I have a goal to focus on, so why not shoot for one of the most challenging tests of physical endurance out there? I’ve decided to start cataloguing the trial and error of this ridiculous effort.

Surprisingly, the swim went fairly well. As in, I completed the workout I decided on before hopping in the pool, which is always a small accomplishment. For my first time actually doing a workout in around 9 months, I was just happy not to require the assistance of a lifeguard.

But life had to strike sometime… bear with me and picture this moment–

College weightlifting room.

Packed with males trying to show each other up.

One other female within eyesight.

Me, using fairly light weights, because 9+ months and way too many cigarettes.

20-25 minutes into my workout.


And suddenly . . .

One man finally had the decency to alert me of this minor issue:

Nope. Not real. No way this is happening.

“Excuse me, ma’am. Your shorts seem to have split down the back.”

Closer view of the alleged split. Yup, definitely real.

So, that happened.

“Happy first day of training! Hope you’re extra determined to reach this goal!”   —Life



let me be

let me help

let me inspire

let me hope

let me dream

let me exist

let me hurt

let me smile

let me laugh

let me love

let me experience

let me understand

let me be

feel it in the void.

It has been a week full of realizations.

Charles Bukowski will start this one off:

some people

never go crazy.

what truly

horrible lives

they must live.

Maybe some people are meant to do as they should.

So many wasted days. A wasted youth, a wasted life. Bought into their illusions, their definitions of happiness and success. Sacrificing everything to the lie.

I am not meant for the clone life. Call it a phase, call it what you want, I alone grasp the gravity of knowing it is not for me.


I am drawn to the dark side of life

full of shadows and mystery.

It repels and yet drags me in – past the lies, past the grey of contentment –

piercing through the safety

of yesterday and its followers.


true. whole. life. take it. feel it in the dirt under your feet, the air in your lungs. feel it in the flow of energy you try to ignore. feel it in the void; that part of you missing and not seen since the days of unburdened childhood. feel it ebb and flow in the tide of life washing over your soul in this moment. look deeper. listen deeper. feel deeper.

Oh, Chaucer.

Here we are, one week from my least favorite fake holiday. Again.

Dare I type the words? Valentine’s Day. There it is. In all of its glory. And by glory I mean ______.

Oh, Chaucer. Why did you have to create this association with romantic love that we have so perverted throughout the years?

1. It is a day. Like any other. To me, giving gifts or other out of the ordinary displays of affection on this day is actually kind of offensive. I don’t want a gift from someone who feels pressured by society to conform and give chocolates and a teddy bear. Gifts on this day mean less than nothing. They mean that this person was obligated to purchase something. Sure, they thought of you. Sure, the gift is nice. I find more truth in the phrase it’s the thought that counts. There is no thought in these gifts. It would mean a million times more if chocolates and roses appeared on a random day, simply because someone was thinking of you (rather than thinking of the day).

2. While suicide may not spike specifically on Valentine’s day, I truly believe this day is a trigger. The start of a process of slipping into the dark. The winter holiday season helps many people ride on a high of happiness. People put in effort to connect with other people. Many people are fortunate enough to have family or friends to be around. Then comes a new year. New resolutions, new beginnings, hope renewed. But then the cold hits. Not only physically. But emotionally. Resolutions become hard to keep. And then, there comes the time period in which our inherent loneliness is highlighted. Pointed out. Made a mockery of. And the downhill slide begins.

I am not saying that people should be sad if they are “single” on this day. What I am saying is that we are all single. We are all alone with our thoughts. I am not saying that people should try to be happy on this day in particular. Maybe I’m not even sure what I am trying to say. It is a day with an unfortunate meaning to many people. It is a day with a wonderful meaning to others. But this day, this hype that we are told to be consumed by, it is not worth it.

Everything that is dark.

Everything that is dark. There is so much unknown. We can pretend that we’ve conquered the sea but for all we know, there could be an entire civilization down there.

I stare and wonder why we stare. Why are we so captivated by the ocean? What do we hope or expect it will tell us? Do we hope to find answers to the questions within our souls? Do we expect it will reveal its secrets? Or is there just something in us all that is drawn to the darkness, drawn to the danger of the unknown.

Are we really searching for answers in the calming waves? Or are we searching for something that doesn’t have an answer, something that doesn’t equal four when you add two and two together. The rhythm of the crashing waves seems to have no pattern. And yet it is a rhythm all its own, one that captures the attention and holds us to sound and meaning and life and everything that is dark.

Indian Rocks Beach, FL 2014

Beginnings & Endings.

Here we are, at the start of a new year.

At the start of new beginnings.

At the start of new endings.

At a continuation.

At a moment where life somehow flows on as it always has. At a moment in which we recognize our frailty.

This year, I will hold on to my compassion, appreciation for friendships, and inner drive to know the world. I will let go of comparison. I will begin my day with my most difficult tasks in order to have time to fully enjoy the reasons I stay alive. I will take time to write my thoughts here or in my journal so that in the future I can see how far I have drifted.

As a sign of new, I’ve deleted all the old posts here. They’re not right for me anymore. This is. This will be.

I have a slight obsession with ice and stoplights. Maybe there are things we need to leave behind. Things we want to change. Maybe we’re waiting for that slight push, like the light turning to green. Or the start of a new year.


In pursuit of your own new, I encourage you to read my favorite words on the new year. (link below)

“Maybe it’s the most honest moment of the year.”